You know, like oversharing, but from the audience’s perspective.

(Maybe it wasn’t necessary to spell that out.)

 

On the train:

-Man whispering gently into his iPhone

-Guy to his friend: She was claiming that she had paid the landlord and he was screwing her sister, or something.

 

On the street:

-Teenager talking to her friend: I always tell my mom that she thinks of me as the bad kid, but really I’m the GOOD kid because I tell her everything before it happens. Like when I wanted to have sex, I told her, so it wouldn’t ever be a surprise if I got pregnant.

(Ed: Sure, no surprises there!)

 

From my students:

-Student: Do you remember when I got a goldfish for my English project because I’m just that bougie?

(Ed: I did not remember.)

-Student: Whenever I see a kid at school with a hickey, I say, Uh, did you make out with a leech?
(Ed: Making friends and influencing people–it starts young)

-Student, asking for food: MOM! Can I have cheese and a sprite and some strawberries?…and also a water for Claire?

To me: Did you hear how I advocated for you?

-Student, reading out loud: He had a conversation with a veterinarian

Me: With a what?

Student: A veterin–oh, a veteran.

(Ed: This was on MEMORIAL DAY)

-Student, reading a grammar exercise online in which the goal was to pick the appropriate punctuation for the sentence: Although Scott had enjoyed the carefree bachelor life ( , ; ) he preferred marriage.

Student: (hysterical laughter)

Student, when she’s stopped laughing: WHAT is that emoji??

Me: (dies)

Me, after returning to life: That’s…that’s asking you whether you need a comma or a semicolon.

 

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